Aside from a general helplessness, a constant pain in my stomache and head, a host of daily frustrations and fights -- there is still so much beauty here.

For every five people who snicker or yell or abuse me, there is some little girl who smiles, some baby who wants to grab my hand or dance in my lap. another soft sunset, a baobab tree in an empty field, vegetables planted amongst the garbage on the riverbank, an old man who offers me a glass of steaming tea.

It is laughter, dancing, children and a great feeling of total absurdity that gets me through these days. I am faint and exhausted and feel the heat building behind my eyes, but I can usually find some patch of shade to squat in and a little frozen bag of bissap to suck on for a breath.

But I've never felt so overwhelmingly unwelcome.